


i'm so tired

by annalyia



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Drinking to Cope, F/M, OR IS IT, Tags Are Hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 14:05:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18757939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annalyia/pseuds/annalyia
Summary: kaidan drinks alone at a bar





	i'm so tired

**Author's Note:**

> enjoy :D

The ice in his glass clinks against the sides as Kaidan slowly swirls his drink before taking another sip.  It burns a little as it goes down, but he doesn’t mind.  He gently places his glass back on the counter, watching the tiny ripples that appear and fade away; something that seems so impactful, so significant but leaves almost no trace.

He sighs.

How did it come to this?

Kaidan used to never drink by himself at home, let alone in a bar where there wasn’t a chance he’d know anyone.

Another sigh, another sip. 

He feels bad about being so awkward earlier.  That doctor his friends tried to set him up with was nice and everything, but she wasn’t…

_Her_.

Sure, the two share similarities; a kind smile, green eyes…

Kaidan is positive that there are other things, but it’s just not the same. 

Nothing is the same.

No one is the same.

He thinks about what the others would say if they were here.

Tali comes to mind first.  If she were here, in this seedy bar with him, he feels like she would have her arm looped through his as they drank.  He’s not entirely sure what they would talk about, but he knows it would be comforting.  They would share a laugh before going back to quietly sipping their drinks, each wrapped up in their own thoughts, yet somehow still there for the other.  But she’s not here.  He hasn’t seen her since she shipped off back to the Migrant Fleet, saying something about how she really should “get back and give them the fruits of her Pilgrimage.”  Weird phrasing, but Kaidan wasn’t about to question her.  Everyone had their own reasoning for leaving.

Next, he thinks of Wrex, surprisingly.  He left almost immediately after Saren and the Reapers were defeated, heading back to Tuchanka to try and bring the krogan into the twenty-second century.  He would probably knock back an entire drink and tell Kaidan that he’s being too dramatic about the whole thing.  This is the cycle of the galaxy.  War happens.  There’s a cost to everything.  People—

He shakes his head. 

Not now.

Maybe Wrex wouldn’t even show up.  What’s the point, anyway?

Ashley…Kaidan shakes his head again.  Ash would understand, and that’s all he needs to know about that.

Dr. T’Soni— _Liara_ , she’s corrected him time and time again—might not be at this bar with him, but she would be there, her head on his shoulder, doing her best to comfort him.  Despite their…arguments, their differences, they both really care—cared?—about—

He downs the rest of his drink in one go.  The bartender, an older asari with purple skin and keen eyes, notices, dips her head in understanding as Kaidan taps the bar with two fingers.  His whiskey on the rocks his replenished. 

And then, there’s Garrus.  The more Kaidan thinks about it, the more he’s sure that Garrus is the one he wishes had stuck around the most.  He huffs out a laugh, actually, before taking another swig of his drink as he wonders just what exactly happened to the turian.  Last Kaidan heard, Garrus had vanished after trying—and unsurprisingly failing—to get C-Sec to do something about the Reapers.  One thing Kaidan is sure of, though, is that wherever Garrus is, he’s kicking ass and taking names.  It’s a comforting thought. 

But if he were here?  Kaidan isn’t really sure what Garrus would be doing if he was sitting in the empty seat next to him.  Maybe they’d be knocking back shot after shot, comparing old war and basic stories.  Maybe each story would be more ridiculous than the last, both trying to one up the other.  Or maybe they wouldn’t talk at all, merely sit next to each other, caught up in their own thoughts and regrets about—

Kaidan splutters, coughing on his drink, which burns his nose and throat.  The bartender extends a ready glass of water, but Kaidan waves it away, insisting that he’s fine. 

He’s always fine.

That’s his job, as a soldier.  To be fine.

Fine with the investigations, fine with not having any real answers, fine with being told to keep everything hush hush, fine with not having a body to bury, fine with not knowing if there was a reason to mourn, fine with—

The next breath he takes is shaky, and Kaidan knows that he’s not fine.

He’s known for a while, but all of the sudden, everything comes crashing down on him. 

The weight that they could have been somewhere else that day.

The weight that he knows that he should have just grabbed her by the wrist and made her get into the escape pod with him, insubordination or not. 

The weight that, in all honesty, there’s absolutely nothing that he, or anyone else aboard the _Normandy_ , could have done.

“You okay?” asks the bartender, causing Kaidan to come back to reality.  “Your hand is shaking pretty hard there.”

Kaidan places his glass back down on the bar.  “Yeah.  Just…got a lot on my mind.”

“Okay, well, let me know if you need anything.”  She smiles sweetly and he can tell that she means what she says in more than a professional business way.

“I’ll be okay.  Thanks.”

She nods before turning her attention back to other customers, once again leaving Kaidan to himself.

Kaidan breaths in deeply through his nose, before letting the air out softly through his mouth. 

And he lets himself think.

Think about what it would be like if _she_ were here. 

His expression softens at the idea of her, mouth turning up in a smile.  Her green eyes would twinkle mischievously as she scooted her bar stool closer to his, that way she could lay her head on his shoulder as they talked.  He could absentmindedly smooth her mop of blonde hair back and kiss the top of her head.  They could hold hands under the bar, his thumb tracing the familiar lines of her palm.  Maybe later, his hands would trace the equally familiar planes of her stomach, chest, arms, hips.  Maybe later, he’d make her say his name in that equally husky and desperate voice that he will never be able to get enough of.  If not, she would make a dumb joke, maybe one that didn’t even make sense, and he wouldn’t stop laughing.  Kaidan knows that he’d hang on to every word that she’d say, no matter how trivial.  Anything and everything she has—had?—to say is—was?—important. 

The thought of her in past tense makes him… _sad_.  In the purest sense of the word.  He sighs, knowing that, eventually, it was going to have to come to this, to thinking of her as she was because there is no longer a who she is. 

It upsets him, knowing that they’ll never make more memories together.  They’ll never have the family that they talked about, the little house in Vancouver that’s walking distance to the beach, all the places that they would travel, the people that their children would become. 

He feels tears start to build up, but he refuses to let them fall.  Not here.

Instead, he focuses on the music in the background.  It’s a little hard to hear over the chatter of the bar patrons, but he finds that if he listens well enough, he can make out the lyrics.  There’s a sudden tight feeling in his chest, knots in his stomach as he realizes it’s an extremely sappy love song. 

Oh, the irony. 

It’s not necessarily the type that she would have listened to on her own, but it’s definitely one that, were she here, she would turn to him and start serenading him. 

That thought makes the tightness in his chest worse.

So, as a final means of escape, he turns his attention to the TV above the bar.  It’s currently broadcasting some sort of breaking news, and Kaidan can’t hear what the anchors are saying.

But, he very soon realizes, he doesn’t need to.

Even though the picture is rather blurry, he recognizes the confident stance, the honey golden hair, the gentle curve of one corner of her mouth in a self-satisfied smile, the—

“Shepard,” he whispers softly.

**Author's Note:**

> i heard [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvjpE_wFL5A) and was like "hmmm......what if kaidan angst......." and now we're here
> 
> comments and kudos are 100% always always always always always ALWAYS appreciated and will in fact make me cry 5ever


End file.
